What does it mean to let go? To be vulnerable. To be able to give up everything we hold dear as our identity and realise that what we are, as a physical manifestation of energy, is in no way who we are. That statement sounds very mysterious I know, so please allow me explain myself.
The reality of life is that 99% of decisions that I make are fantastically futile attempts to build some sort of ‘sandcastle’ definition of who I am, in the minds of others. The clothes I wear, the job I do, the unhealthy vices that seem to keep me company, the way I talk, smile, laugh are all, in the most part, for the perceived benefit of others.
99% percent of my life is spent constantly and furiously constructing, shaping, modifying and destroying these sandcastles every single moment of my existence. 99% doing and 1% just being. It’s a arduous, painful and completely unfulfilling activity that leaves me smiling in frustration every time I realise I am doing it.
I write this statement as I sit, precariously, in that ever-elusive 1% of peace at the Coffee Club in Wilston. I look back on the past 24 hours and I can safely say that I have spent all of those hours quite firmly in that 99% and some of the sandcastles I have built in those past hours are worth giving a mention.
The great thing about going out sober is that there is always a backdoor. If I don’t like the place, I leave. If my mind isn’t treating me well, I leave. If the company I keep are annoying me, I leave. It is a luxury and a saviour at the best times, which is rarely afforded to those who are drinking.
This is because – alcohol;
a) makes people far more tolerant of their situation, even if they initially didn’t like it.
b) inhibits you from using any sort of personal transportation, functionally.
Hosting a housewarming party on the other hand is a much different process. I can’t leave.
That fact scared me enough on Friday afternoon to march straight up to Happy High Herbs on my way home on Friday and spend 50 bucks on these damn-potent energy pills to ensure that I ‘had a good time’ and didn’t want to leave. The party was pretty fun but after dropping these ‘herbs’, I felt so detracted from the situation, so speedy and on edge that it wasn’t the party I wanted to leave – it was my own buzzed-out fucking mind.
Luckily I was surrounded by a heap of really great people who all brought me firmly back into reality. I really learned a thing or two about myself at this party. It’s OK not to be the life of the party. I don’t have to be everything to everyone. It’s OK to be tired, to be angry, to be happy. It’s better to be honest about how I am really feeling, rather than try and mask it with chemicals. Which is exactly what I tried to do the whole night with cigarettes, energy drinks and herbs.
My behavioural patterns really showed up. I learned that I often feel like I need to be a certain way and as a result I now use things as a substitute for alcohol be it herbs, cigarettes, coffee, red bull etc etc. to get me to that false place. Taking alcohol out of the picture makes me realise just how much my subconscious looks for that chemical shove in other things, other than alcohol. Very interesting.
However, I did enjoy going out dancing and being able to drive home to watch the below pictured hamburglers call up people they really shouldn’t have.