Letting go

In my mind

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What does it mean to let go? To be vulnerable. To be able to give up everything we hold dear as our identity and realise that what we are, as a physical manifestation of energy, is in no way who we are. That statement sounds very mysterious I know, so please allow me explain myself.

The reality of life is that 99% of decisions that I make are fantastically futile attempts to build some sort of ‘sandcastle’ definition of who I am, in the minds of others. The clothes I wear, the job I do, the unhealthy vices that seem to keep me company, the way I talk, smile, laugh are all, in the most part, for the perceived benefit of others. 

99% percent of my life is spent constantly and furiously constructing, shaping, modifying and destroying these sandcastles every single moment of my existence. 99% doing and 1% just being. It’s a arduous, painful and completely unfulfilling activity that leaves me smiling in frustration every time I realise I am doing it.

I write this statement as I sit, precariously, in that ever-elusive 1% of peace at the Coffee Club in Wilston. I look back on the past 24 hours and I can safely say that I have spent all of those hours quite firmly in that 99% and some of the sandcastles I have built in those past hours are worth giving a mention.

 

My housewarming.    

The great thing about going out sober is that there is always a backdoor. If I don’t like the place, I leave. If my mind isn’t treating me well, I leave. If the company I keep are annoying me, I leave. It is a luxury and a saviour at the best times, which is rarely afforded to those who are drinking.

This is because – alcohol;

a) makes people far more tolerant of their situation, even if they initially didn’t like it.

b) inhibits you from using any sort of personal transportation, functionally.

Hosting a housewarming party on the other hand is a much different process. I can’t leave.

That fact scared me enough on Friday afternoon to march straight up to Happy High Herbs on my way home on Friday and spend 50 bucks on these damn-potent energy pills to ensure that I ‘had a good time’ and didn’t want to leave. The party was pretty fun but after dropping these ‘herbs’, I felt so detracted from the situation, so speedy and on edge that it wasn’t the party I wanted to leave – it was my own buzzed-out fucking mind.

Luckily I was surrounded by a heap of really great people who all brought me firmly back into reality. I really learned a thing or two about myself at this party. It’s OK not to be the life of the party. I don’t have to be everything to everyone. It’s OK to be tired, to be angry, to be happy. It’s better to be honest about how I am really feeling, rather than try and mask it with chemicals. Which is exactly what I tried to do the whole night with cigarettes, energy drinks and herbs.

Benny 'Lava lamp' Wall

Simon 'Let's Disco' Maher, Lava lamp & yours truely

 

 

My behavioural patterns really showed up. I learned that I often feel like I need to be a certain way and as a result I now use things as a substitute for alcohol be it herbs, cigarettes, coffee, red bull etc etc. to get me to that false place. Taking alcohol out of the picture makes me realise just how much my subconscious looks for that chemical shove in other things, other than alcohol. Very interesting. 

However, I did enjoy going out dancing and being able to drive home to watch the below pictured hamburglers call up people they really shouldn’t have. 

On the way home

 

11 thoughts on “Letting go

  1. I have told you this many times that you do this! Too much of those stimulating substances (as named above). You do this alot, you do this too much. Sorry to put the spotlight on you! Think about your body also, it is just as important as your mind, another thing to consider. You have made a spot on self realisation and self assessment of yourself too; in relation to your party. Take note my boy and make changes accordingly!

  2. You are very right my man. Everything in balance haha. It’s a life-long, life lesson.

    I am like a kid in a candy shop sometimes.

  3. Hello christopher you have given up drinking to only take up drugs, its hardly a sacrifice if you replace it with something else.

    1. Hi Andrew, thank you for your insight.

      Let me first qualify that I actually haven’t done illegal drugs at all and I don’t condone taking drugs in any way. Secondly, I’m not a perfect human, nor would I want to be. I’m trying to illustrate how my (and most of society’s) psychology works to find a chemical solution for emotional problems.

      Taking alcohol out of the picture has given me an opportunity to really see those patterns in full light because my mind admittedly works to find things to fill the role of alcohol.

      If you have any suggestions as to how I can improve or speed up this process – I would really love to hear them. Have you gone through a similar process of such realisations in your life Andrew?

  4. yes i have, i used to be a sex addict but instead of sex i turned to chocolate and became obese. Now i can neither have sex or eat chocolate. You see what im getting at?

  5. Totally! Thank you for your honesty.

    I’m really interested to hear how you got to the centre of your addictive behaviour and how you went about stopping it?

  6. Hi Chris, just wanted to say congrats regarding the Hello Sunday Morning venture and also pick your brain a little on the topic!
    I personally find this all very intriguing as I have had countless really bad experiences with alcohol. I am one of those people that I believe simply does not agree with alcohol. I am the kind of person who can keep drinking and drinking, to the point where I will pass out before I am anywhere near getting sick. I’ll wake up from most big nights remembering nothing but a few foggy patches from the beginning of the night, normally having lost some item or another and wondering how I even ended up home. But it is no new thing for me, it has been this way for many years, yet it is still a struggle with me to discontinue drinking indefinitely. I kinda reached breaking point late last year and stopped for around 2 or 3 months. I can’t even remember what convinced me to let it creep back in, but it has for the last 4 months. Only on random occassions, I avoid it when I can. But I still sometimes ignore the reasons why I know I shouldn’t drink and get caught up in the ‘fun memories’ that i’ve had while drinking and endeavour to make more by drinking with friends again!
    I can see that I could probably ramble on for ages about this haha, but basically I think I am slowly but surely coming towards the point where I will admit I just can’t drink and will stop for good. Anytime I allow a little of it into my life, it ends up having a negative affect again and I refuse to let it influence my life that way for much longer. The whole culture of drinking really kinda disturbs me. The fact that, even though it may gain negative media attention etc, it is still seen as so acceptable, if not seen as a positive thing, to constantly binge drink. One of my close friends and I have had many discussions about how it affects us both and our views on all the different conotations that drinking/not drinking has. We’ve both drastically decreased our consumption because we both feel alcohol has such negative conotations for us in our lives. I still struggle sometimes because it really is a contentious issue that has so many aspects to it, but my goal for this year is to get to a place where I am feeling so positive about myself and my life that I would gladly avoid alcohol and have more fun than the drunk, foggy-eyed people floating around in their zombified states (that I have resembled all too often haha)….
    Anyway I’m sorry to have gone on like this. But it is seriously difficult to talk about these issues with many people, because most are either not affected the way I am, or are but would rather ignore the problems and keep going in their dreamland. I won’t deny that it works for some! But not for me.
    Anyway congrats & thanks for bringing attention to the situation 🙂

  7. The comment above mine is the reason why this blog is a great idea. Detailing your thoughts and experiences about binge drinking will encourage others to inspect their habits and behaviors, like old mate above has. Negative media attention means almost nothing to the binge drinker, like he said; if anything, it allows us to laugh it off and feel even more rebellious for doing so.

    In reality, the influence most likely to curb binge drinking is a shift in perception by one’s peers. If your friends stop glorifying the act and start to consider its risks and ramifications, it’ll be a hell of a lot more effective than sinking millions into useless advertising campaigns.

    Always a great read, Chris. Again, thanks for sharing.

  8. hello chris i was just reading one of your reply from andrew and you ask if he knows how to speed up this process of breaking addictions. i could suggest reading you can heal your life by loise .l. hay she goes through why we have these addictions and where they come from and how to help change these to have a positive life.Also her affermation kit with cd included is really good.keep up your inspiring work

    1. Cheers Kate. A lot of people have recommended her work actually, I believe I shall now have to check it out!

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